10 abusive behaviors that might seem like love, but never are

abusive behaviors-love
“The devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you’ve ever wished for.”
― Tucker Max

Abusers are not always the evil monsters that we perceive them to be. They don’t always slap you on the face when you say or do something they don’t like. And you don’t always feel pure hatred towards them. No, there’s an equal chance that the abusers in your life are the people who are most important to you, the people you love unconditionally, and the people you believe are your true family or friends.

These abusers are cunning. They manipulate you in ways that you’re not even able to comprehend until it’s too late, until you’re too involved to actually leave, and until you start to drown in your own despair.
If you feel like you’ve been through the following confusing situations and felt like it was just love, then maybe it’s time for a re-evaluation of your relationship:

Justifying every wrong action with an “I just love you too much”
Does this explanation sound familiar? Do you hear this every time your partner gets uncontrollably jealous and insecure and ends up doing something stupid? Like the time they called up all of your friends just to tell them to stay away from you? Or the time they ordered you to dress up in exactly the way they approve? Or the time they asked you to choose between them and a certain friend who they’ve always had a problem with for no reason at all?

If your partner can’t trust and respect you enough to wear what you want to or meet the people you like, then what good is this kind of love?

A fresh start can turn out to be amazing for a relationship, but not always! It can also take the form of abuse, and a way to control your partner’s life. Abusers often find an unexpected job or an unbelievably good reason to move to a completely new place where their partner doesn’t have the support system of their friends and family.

When they say “I want to take care of you”
Your partner keeps insisting you to stay home all the time or forbids you from going to work or even school and justifies all of it with some kind of ‘sweet’ reason. They want to take care of you or they feel like you deserve someone who can provide for you. They want you to enjoy your life and not work at some annoying job every day.

What you need to gauge here is how much choice do you really have? Keeping all of their justifications aside, would they still let you work if you really wanted to? If the answer is no, then maybe your partner just wants to keep you away from education, work, and your own income so that it will be harder for you to leave.

Looking for excuses to take a fresh start
A fresh start can turn out to be amazing for a relationship, but not always! It can also take the form of abuse, and a way to control your partner’s life. Abusers often find an unexpected job or an unbelievably good reason to move to a completely new place where their partner doesn’t have the support system of their friends and family.

Phrases that start with “If you really love me, you will…”
This line is the start of the most typical form of manipulation. It sounds very innocent. It usually starts with something simple and once you agree to the first thing, the demands keep on getting bigger and more difficult and this phrase eventually turns into a powerful tool for control. You can’t prove your love to someone by doing things you don’t want to do, things that seem wrong to you, things that you might even regret! If someone really loves you, they won’t ever need to use these manipulation tactics to get their way.

Suicide Threats
This is the most extreme form of manipulation. If your partner keeps telling you how much they love you, how they can never live without you, and how they’ll kill themselves if you ever think of leaving them, it is definitely NOT something romantic. It’s only abusive.

And more often than not, these will only be empty threats. If someone is ever ready to kill themselves, you won’t hear them screaming it out to the people around. These threats are just a way to control your decisions.

Explaining their irrational behaviors with “I just want what’s best for us”

The above line might make your heart melt but when you’re in an abusive relationship, this line really means “I just want what’s best for me”. It can be used to justify a lot of abusive actions, like persuading your partner to cut off all ties with their family or persuading your partner to hand over all their money to you. In situations like these, just reflect upon whether the things they’re doing are actually good for you, or if they’re only good for your partner.

The line “I want to have a family with you”
Okay, this one might have you thinking that I’m just a cold-hearted person who thinks of every single dialogue as a way of manipulation but you’ll be surprised at how often this line is used just to control decisions. Some people actually use it as an excuse to force their partners into having sex even when they’re not ready, or to persuade them into keeping an unwanted pregnancy, or even to stop them from leaving.

If your partner actually wanted to have a complete family with you, they would know how to respect your choices and your body. 

Constantly explaining how no one else can ever love you the way they do
Love can be a great weapon. An abuser knows how to use it to maintain an upper hand over their unsuspecting partner. They’ll keep saying things like, “No one can ever love you to the extent that I do” and “No one else knows how to treat you right” and “We need to be together forever”. These things can sound really charming and they can make you feel truly loved, even when you’re hearing them from an abuser.

The difference between hearing it from a normal partner and an abuser will be that an abuser will only say these things when they feel like they’re losing control or if they know that you’re vulnerable at the moment.

Giving you gifts just to control you
Who doesn’t like getting gifts? We all do and abusers know how to make this fact work for their benefit. They will buy you the most thoughtful gifts just to make sure that their apology really looks heartfelt (even when they have every intention of repeating the same actions again).

They will gift you clothes just to control the way you dress. They will buy you extremely expensive gifts just to make sure that you feel some sense of debt and it stops you from leaving them. So next time you’re getting a gift from your partner, make sure you know the exact reason behind it.

Explaining their insecurities with “It’s the people around you that I don’t trust”
Having someone protective around can feel really nice. You feel like someone really cares and it makes you happy. But there’s a very thin line between being protective and being downright controlling. If your partner stops you from going out or doing the things you want by saying the above line, then this is not something you should be happy about.

When you’re in a strong relationship, you always feel like your partner will have your back without feeling the need to ask for their permission every time you’re about to step out of the house.

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