They want you to kneel down, to their fake idea of perfection, an idea that changes with their desire. Where they pretend that they are your saviours, but they are monsters in disguise!
The toxicity that comes from a controlling relationship will ruin your life. You need to detect such a relationship from the very start and put an end to it. No matter how devastating you might find the change at first, you need to know that you will come back better and stronger than ever before.
You need to detect early signs of abuse, in order to put an end to it. Some abusers will stop the abuse when they find out that you are now aware of the abuse. There will be others who were abused by someone else for so long that they assumed that a relationship works this way.
You can educate both the abuser and the abused but there are people who are under an impression of self-proclaimed righteousness. According to me, these people need psychological help. A person who puts someone down, just to feel better about who they are, is corrupt and vile to the core.
1. They imply their beliefs on you
Everyone is different and has the right to express their opinion. Yes, healthy discussions and constructive arguments are more than welcome in any relationship. Even if you don’t win the argument, you are entitled to your opinion but a controlling partner will try to enforce their decision on you.
Whether they win the argument or not. If you fail to oblige to their desires, they will try to break your will power down by showing you a cold shoulder, they might even say that your will to disagree with their opinion means your lack of love for them.
2. They take away your support system
Like any human being, we rely on friends and family to lead a healthy life, love alone isn’t enough to sustain a healthy life style. Friends and family not only reach out to pick us up in our time of need, they are our support 24/7 and have the best of our interest in mind. Friends and family will be the first people to tell you about an unhealthy relationship.
A controlling person is fully aware of that and will try to keep you away from friends and will avoid family gatherings as much as possible. They might try to tell you that your friends are bad company to keep or might try to create misunderstandings between you and your family.
They know that once they have secluded you from your support system, you will have no one to turn to except them in your time of need. They know how they will be able to benefit off it when they want to.
3. They will create a false sense of inferiority in you
Once you are away from your friends and family, they will make you count your mistakes to instil within you a feeling of guilt. They will then tell you how gracious they were and how they were with you through thick and thin even when you didn’t deserve it. They might even tell you how poor you are at sustaining relationships and how lucky you are to have them put up with you. Listen to me, everything was perfectly fine before they came so how is it that it’s so bad now?
4. They are pretentious
They pretend to be someone they are not in front of people. They pretend to care more and be there for you while in reality they keep you hanging for complete support. My husband has been in a controlling relationship before he told me that his ex once hurt him so much that he burst into tears. He told me that while he sat there crying, she showed no regret, remorse or sympathy towards him but, as soon as a common friend walked in, she started patting his head trying to console him.
He told me, for a moment he thought and hoped that she actually cared but as soon as he noticed another presence in the room all the hope went away. He told me that controlling people are as cold and controlling as it gets.
5. They try to wean you away from you dreams
They don’t believe in you and will try to demean you every chance they get. They try to put you down to an extent that you have nothing left in you but loneliness. All of a sudden, they have a problem with everything progressive you do to make your life better. They don’t think that the line of work you choose for yourself is appropriate and God forbid if you have to move out of city to pursue your dream, they will threaten to breakup with you or say absurd things like you don’t love them enough.
Trust me, if you truly love a person no amount of distance can between the two of you. You both will find a reason to hold on to each other. Yes of course, you miss your partner, but this doesn’t mean that the two of you run out of reasons to love one another.
One of my friends is a dental surgeon; her boyfriend is a very controlling person and tells her things like she isn’t a doctor just because she studied dental sciences. This makes my friend very insecure. She is now struggling from chronic depression and we are helping her out of it.
6. Killing with criticism
They start with pointing out minor mistakes; the victim falls prey and believes that his partner is doing so for the greater good. There are a lot of ways to change people and criticism should always be positive. The mild undertones of criticism soon starts to grow and become harsh.
It gets worse to an extent that they start to criticize abuse and shout at you in public. They might even try to dominate you, physically. This will destroy your self-esteem and confidence to an extent that you will start to feel as if nothing good will ever come out of you. This makes you vulnerable and sensitive in other words easily controllable.
7. They fail to respect your privacy
You will always catch them snooping around you mobile phone, laptop or tablet. They will ask for all your social media passwords and will keep an eye on you. They might use you past against you, they will question you about people you interact with and will blame you of things that make no, sense.
They will not trust you no matter what until you give them evidence that you are not guilty as if you are obliged to win their trust and love. See, there is a difference between building trust and winning it. Trust is a very raw emotion it is not a prized possession or trophy to be won. I think they feel this way because they themselves have been hiding a lot of things from you, they are everything they blame you to be! See it on time, and break through.
No matter how much you love a person you need your privacy, you need some time alone for your self either with friends or family. This not only helps you be a better person but also helps you went out. It doesn’t mean that you are selfish, it’s just means doing something different apart from your routine and change is always nice.
8. Arguments lose meaning
An argument loses all its meaning when the other person fails to listen and doesn’t give you the right to express yourself. No matter how hard you try to explain your side of the situation, the decision they take seems to be final. They refuse to hear anything from you. Argument gets pointless to an extent that you don’t even bother. The whole point of it becomes irrelevant and you refuse to go down the road of hurt, over and over again. So, you just stop trying and start acting on their desires and decisions.
See, no matter how hard things are, you will have to find the positivism within yourself to turn your life around. Love shouldn’t hurt, the abuser might use all your strengths against you and if you are a guy social norms might make it difficult for you to break through but remember through will power and determination you can conquer the world. Don’t let them manipulate you in any way.
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