Fears get the best of us and they tend to ruin perfectly good relationships. Everyone has their own story and things that make them insecure and vulnerable. These vulnerabilities are what make you protective about situations that aren’t meant to be a matter of concern.
This is when we need to look in ourselves, to mend our broken souls. What causes abrupt reactions that damage perfectly good relationships? We need to get to the root of our problems, instead of blaming other people for our mistakes and misconceptions.
I am going to discuss the most common relationship fears and how to deal with them, sometimes situations get really bleak and the only option left is self-correction. Once they are identified, we can stop them from causing a hassle in our lives. Incase you have a partner with insecurities and fears, you can help them by being extra considerate and avoiding the red zones. The cure to any problem is recognition.
Each insecurity; is followed by a behavioral pattern, which can be very damaging for a relationship. In order to eradicate the dilemma we need to first understand the nature of the problem.
Here is a list of very common fears behaviors related to them and how to deal with them.
1.The Fear of abandonment
This is the first and most common fear I see in people. The most common reason is that they had been left or abandoned by people who meant a lot to them. This could have been any person they were previously, attached to.
People with these issues exhibit the following behavior:
They get clingy to a point that it gets galling
They tend to get overly clingy, which might be to a point that they might start invading personal space. These people might demand that you share each and every detail of your life with them, which might not be possible. Feeling suffocated is not a healthy sign. Ignoring your partner at this point could lead to make the situation worse. What you need to do is talk to your partner about how their behavior makes you feel.
They put their relation under pressure tests
They test their relationship again and again, in hopes to fulfil their need for answers. They need to know if their partner would abandon them in different circumstances. They trigger unwanted arguments to test the strength of their relationship. They push their partner away so many times that they finally decide to leave them for good. The best way to deal with this situation is to let the person know that you are aware of the situation and ask them to stop behaving irrationally.
They start selecting the wrong partners, intentionally
They get involved with the wrong people or start avoiding every relationship all of a sudden, in order to stop themselves from getting hurt. These people can only be treated with qualitative reasoning. Letting the wrong people into their life makes them secretly aware of their future, the predict betrayal before hand and save themselves the trouble of uncertainty, which in the long run causes a lot more emotional damage.
I guess now we know why women often tend to choose the wrong men. Losing the right person is a lot more emotionally draining than losing the wrong one.
They start ignoring family and friends
Parting ways from friends and family causes more emotional damage than you would expect. This behavior is extremely destructive and could lead to self damage, depression and abandonment, by loved ones, in the long run. Such people should join therapy immediately, make a lot of friends and surround themselves with as many right people as they can.
2. The fear of getting hurt
This is the most destructive of all fears. This fear is often accompanied by an abusive childhood. This feeling is usually born in adults, when they are hurt physically or emotionally as children, when the guardians failed to give them a feeling of security or when they failed to trust people around them in their early years. They tend to suspect everyone of betrayal. The people with this fear end up emotionally abusing their partner without realizing it.
People with this fear show the following signs:
They are extra cautious
These people tend to make an issue out of the slightest of things. Chances are they are depressed which make the case worse. Instead of ignoring little mistakes their partner makes, they tend to pin point each and everything and make an issue out of it. They constantly doubt their partner and people around them. They always keep a lookout for signs of betrayal and abuse. Sometimes their insecurities get out of hand and they ruin perfectly good relationships.
They doubt intentions
Even when things are going fine and everything is sailing smoothly, they feel as if something is wrong. They suspect that people favoring them have some personal gain or agenda behind their behavior. These people remain exceedingly anxious and can easily get depressed.
They lie to themselves
Instead of confronting their partner about their situation the act accepting and acquiescent to stop their partner from getting upset, even if they are correct. Instead of facing their insecurities, they shy away from the situation and make matters worse. The bottle up their feelings for so long that when they finally let it go, hell breaks down!
They turn people down
They don’t share how they feel with people, who want to help them, because they feel that people will use their vulnerabilities against them. This happens because they have a hard time trusting people. It takes then a long time before they can actually let their guard down. They always harbor a secret fear of getting hurt again.
They too tend to distance themselves away from social gatherings, friends and people. They don’t want any human to hurt them in any way. So, instead of laying themselves open to human contact, they feel that life of a loner is their best option.
Your best option is to block feelings that make you feel uneasy, you don’t want such distort emotions affecting your life. The best way to start doing so is by tolerating how you feel. Soon, your medium of tolerance will grow to an extent that you will be able to block these emotions all together.
What you really need to do is evaluate the current situations, with the past situations with a more open and clear prospective. How old were you then? Where were you? Who was with you? How did you deal with it? What was the exact thing that happened? Do you think you too might have been at fault? What was the outcome? Is avoiding confrontation the right thing to do? Is bottling up unhealthy feelings the right thing for you? You need to take each and every detail into consideration before you say anything. When you do this, you have to be just, you cannot have a biased opinion. Two words, Qualitative Analysis!
3. The fear of losing support
The fear of not having your partner with you when you most need them is indeed disturbing! This fear occurs in people who are not give attention as a child, they were deprived of affection and counseling.
These people weren’t given guidance when they needed it, which caused them to fall into complicated situations; they suffered a lot because of them. Apart from this, they were deprived of emotional support and understanding, they were rendered alone when they needed their parents the most, basically everything that builds a child into an adult.
These people are very immature at heart and have difficulty taking important decisions. They often feel like people, ‘don’t love them enough’, they feel excessively lonely and think that no one in their life cares for them.
People who harbor this fear:
Tend to become very demanding
They easily get angry and often throw tantrums, when they are deprived to what they need. They tend to blame their partner for the lack of input in the relationship. They often end up pushing people away in an attempt to stop them from leaving.
They go for unexpressive people
For some reason they tend to go for people who are introvert and less expressive. They try to build themselves up while exploring their insecurities. This ends up working in some situations and can end up disastrous in others.
They don’t share how they feel with people
They feel that people they love don’t care about them. This triggers a feeling of helplessness; they fear exposure even if their issues are legitimate. They end up closing themselves up to feelings and people, which in turn aggravates further feelings of seclusion.
They start to hate happy people
For some reason, they start to hate people who are living happy and content lives. They tend to ignore the fact that they, themselves, are the ones blocking their own happiness, only if they would open up to people, and give life a chance. Feelings of jealousy often turn into feelings of hatred.
These people should let the moment of anger and hatred pass away. They should rest their feelings of anger off, get back to their senses and give a reaction that is appropriate. They should also seek emotional counseling.
4. The fear of not being good enough
I have been through this, and I know how damaging this can be. This fear appears when the person you fall in love with fails to make you feel worthy. They, too, harbor a complex and make you victim to their insecurities.
No matter how beautiful you are, no matter how good someone tries to make you feel, you always end up feeling left out. Initially, this feeling may trigger due to negativity from the people around you. These people throw themselves in to an extreme inferiority complex and fail to pull themselves out.
To be honest, getting out of the situation is not in their control. They feel that their reality isn’t good enough or acceptable. They drown themselves in a feeling of guilt and remorse and nothing seems to help them out of it. They make false assumption about themselves and induce a feeling of self-pity.
People with this complex tend to:
Idolize the wrong people
They develop a need to convince people who don’t like them. They urge to be accepted by them and unintentionally start following them, talking, dressing, smiling and behaving like them. They feel that they will gain the recognition they need, by mimicking them. This behavior destroys a person’s personality.
They become critical of others
I became extremely acceptable of people and their behavior but many people start to find refuge in criticizing others. They feel as if making the other person look bad will make them look good. This is the exact opposite of what actually happens. No good can ever come out of making other people feel bad!
Conceal their truth
They pretend to be someone they are not. They carry a contradictory attitude around people. Their dubious behavior doesn’t make for a good impression.
They cannot take criticism
Any kind of criticism, positive or negative has a disastrous impact. It often results in tantrums and burst outs. It makes such people feel further deprived and a misfit for the society. I would end up crying for hours, resenting my existence, I even became suicidal, it was definitely the worst time of my life!
They compare themselves with others
People with this complex start to compare themselves with celebrities and famous figures. They try to pursue them and become more like them. They even follow through their bad habits; you will find them excessively discussing celebrities and making comparisons. What they fail to understand is that they don’t have to be like someone, to be good enough. They are perfect the way they are and the people who love them will have them no other way!
These people can only be healed with love, and trust me true love will heal them. I noticed the reason that I behaved this way was because I wasn’t confident about who I was. I lacked exposure; I hadn’t yet experimented with my uniqueness and hadn’t discovered my style.
My partner let me be free and experiment with things; he would often design my wardrobe and tell me what to wear every morning until I finally discovered it for myself. I was unique, brilliant and gorgeous no one ever, made me feel that way.
My partner made me feel as if I was the most beautiful person, in the world. Once I was good enough for him, I thought that I might have a chance to be good enough for other people as well, and I sure was. I cannot thank him enough for taking me out of the tunnel of depression and self loathe I was in.
5. The fear of being a failure
These people feel that no matter what they do, they will always be rewarded with failure in return. These people tend to stop trying after a while, which in turn leads to the demise of their relationship, these people think that they are less than the people around them. These people think that they don’t have what it takes to have a stable relationship, to love or to be successful.
People with this complex:
Let others ridicule them
Even if they do something praiseworthy, they lack the ability to raise their voice and defend themselves. They let people demean their efforts and walk over them. It is the job of their significant other to protect them and help them stand up for themselves.
They Underestimate themselves
These people fail to put their full potential to use; they let themselves down by withdrawing from situations and competitions.
Hide their true self
These people try to conceal who they are. They are afraid that people may not find them up to the mark. They destroy their life with an intention to make it better. Such behavior should be condemned and strict evaluation should be done in order to help the person.
They judge people
They live in fear that people are ridiculing them all the time. Their coping mechanism is to judge and assess others in return.
These people need to be taught that they are perfect the way they are, and no one in the world can change that. They need to accept themselves as active members of the society and should stop anyone who tries to tell them otherwise.
To all the people out there dealing with ‘issues’, you aren’t alone in this struggle. You need to rise above, and love yourself. If we would all just see the faults in our ways before passing judgments on others, the world would be a much better place.
Relationships would thrive longer, and love will be the, ‘forever kind’, if we all started focusing on ourselves. If you just healed yourself, no amount of hatred will ever be able to bring you down.
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