Initiating Relationships

Traditional dating is actually one of our society’s most ineffective inventions. The main reason it gets so much attention is the commercial engine that drives it. Restaurants, movie theaters, jewelers, etc. want you to believe that spending money on their products and services equals romance. If you’ve swallowed this belief system, I assure you that you’ve been duped. This belief system stems from marketing, not truth. It has virtually no connection to the realities of human relationships.

If you really like someone, aim to spend lots of one-on-one time together with no distractions. Talk about your lives, and unearth each other’s interests. Share your hopes and dreams. Bypass small talk, and dive into what’s really important to you. Speak soulfully and listen attentively. This way you can create an amazing connection in a matter of hours that would take weeks to accomplish with traditional dating.

Be Direct

Dating is a rather timid way to get to know someone. It’s as if you’re creating a buffer of distractions in case things go wrong. This method is slow, boring, and largely pointless. It can also be unnecessarily expensive, causing you to mistakenly think you can’t initiate new relationships when finances are tight.

There’s a much more direct way to express interest in someone you like and to kick off a mutual exploration of relationship possibilities. It’s faster, cheaper, and a lot more fun.

Simply tell any potential partner up front how you feel about them and that you’d love to explore relationship possibilities together. Then ask if they feel the same.

This may take some courage, but it takes very little time.

You might be thinking that the direct approach takes a lot of courage, perhaps more courage than you feel you can reasonably muster.

It certainly can take a bit of courage, depending on the circumstances, but mainly it requires common sense reasoning.

You must realize that a rejection is still a good outcome.

If the other person appreciates your directness but doesn’t share your feelings toward them, then you know you intuitively misread them, and that’s perfectly okay. This makes it easy for you to let go and shift your attention to someone else. You might be disappointed at first, but you’d still appreciate such a response because they’re being honest with you too. They’re also saving you a lot of time and potential grief.

On the other hand, suppose they react negatively to your directness itself. Once again, you learn that you misread them. Such a match would have been a mistake because anyone who doesn’t appreciate openness, honesty, and directness wouldn’t make a good partner for you anyway. You should have no desire to enter relationships with people who prefer game-playing, drama, deception, or manipulation as opposed to straightforward openness and honesty. So being direct is an efficient way to quickly disqualify such people. Again, this saves you time and potential grief.

Now suppose the response is positive. They appreciate your directness and admits that they share your feelings, if only in a small, noncommittal way. Now you’re off and running to explore a deeper connection together. Your shields are down, and you’re waving each other in. It may be too soon to fully fathom how you feel about each other, but at least you’ve agreed to begin to explore your possibilities together. There are few things more exciting in life than this.

When you are direct, it doesn’t mean your request will be automatically accepted, but a rejection is still much better than pussyfooting around and playing guessing games for weeks on end.

Please take note that directness doesn’t mean being pushy or annoying. Directness means that you’re open and honest in sharing your thoughts, feelings, and intentions with others. It doesn’t mean you browbeat people to get what you want. Once you voice your desires, you must give the other person the freedom to accept or reject what you’re offering.

Honest, Attentive Communication

Flirting can be fun, but I don’t find it much of an opener for a relationship. To initiate a real relationship, it’s better to favor straightforward, honest, attentive communication. Share your thoughts, feelings, and desires openly and honestly. See if there exists the potential for a fun, compatible match. If there’s no match, it’s not a rejection. It’s nobody’s fault. It just means you should both try elsewhere. That’s all.

You might be concerned that being so direct would kill the mystery and romance at the beginning of a relationship. But the fun, mystery, and romance can still be present. In fact, I think you’ll find that they’re enhanced and brought to a whole new level. Instead of wallowing in uncertainty and playing silly guessing games, you’ll spend your time getting to know a real human being without the phony social mask. The reality is far more exciting than any fantasy.

If you’re interested in getting to know someone, you’d want to spend as much time as you can with them one-on-one. You’d want to give them your full attention when you talk. You’d want to establish high trust from the get-go. You’d want to hear them tell you about their life, their dreams, and their struggles. You’d want to unmask the amazing soulful being that they truly are. You’d want to share your true self with them as well, honestly and openly. Picking away at an artificial fantasy shell can’t compare to the joys of sharing a unique, soulful connection with another human being.

If you want to cultivate deep, connected relationships, skip the drama and start things off the right way — with openness, honesty, and directness. You’ll be amazed at just how refreshing it is.

I know this isn’t how TV characters behave, but it is how conscious human beings relate to each other.