When you desire to attract and meet a new relationship partner, a common approach is to be more social, start connecting with new people, and try to be as likeable as possible.

I think that’s a mistake.

Where does this lead? You may very well find a new relationship this way, but it probably won’t be very satisfying. There’s an excellent chance you’ll end up settling for someone who’s only partially compatible with you.

When people are seeking new relationships, they often modify their personalities. They amplify and show off their most socially acceptable qualities, and they tone down the more unusual parts of themselves, especially the parts that other people might not like.

To some degree this is common sense. Putting our best foot forward is a reasonable strategy when seeking a new relationship. But you should realize you are not going to live with only your best qualities in the relationship. Hiding the more unusual parts of yourself means you are starting the relationship in a very shaky foundation.

To attract the right partner, you have to be shamelessly yourself right from the start.

This allows your partner to get to know your flaws early and to learn how to deal with them. It also allows them to fall in love with the real you and not someone you pretend to be. This is an essential ingredient for a solid and lasting relationship.

When someone modifies his or her personality to attract you, you invest your time and energy in getting to know that person, only to find out much later that you have a serious incompatibility and are never going to maintain a rewarding relationship.

This applies to friendships as well as romantic relationships.

If you want the right people to be able to recognize you as a quality match, you must also give others the opportunity to reject you as the most repulsive wretch on earth.

If you haven’t learned this already, you’ll eventually discover that your most rejection-worthy qualities are also your most attractive qualities. Whether someone is repulsed or attracted just depends on whether they share your desires and interests or not. And finding someone who shares the same desires and interest with you is key to having a rewarding relationship.

Many people fear exposing their differences because they don’t want to deal with harsh judgment and criticism from those around them, especially from friends, family, and co-workers. This fear prevents them from making big changes. They dislike the idea of exposing themselves to ridicule and rejection. So they freeze and do nothing.

The real question you should be asking here is: Do you want to connect with people who like you for you?

If so, then you have to be true to yourself and let the incompatible people reject you. You’ll get used to it. The benefits of being shamelessly you massively outweigh the drawbacks.

People can’t easily match with you when you’re in hiding. If you hide from being judged and ridiculed, you also hide from your best matches

Hiding from being judged is a good way to attract a relationship that leaves you feeling ambivalent, always wondering if you could have found a better match while simultaneously concluding that it would take too much effort to upgrade. You stay in the relationship because it’s better than being alone, not because it’s what you really desire to experience.

Being shamelessly you on the other hand will attract relationships without the feeling of ambivalence. It doesn’t give rise to that “should I stay or go?” feeling. A relationship that when you ask yourself, “should I stay in this relationship?” the answer is a straightforward, obvious yes. There’s no doubt to speak of. A relationship that you love each other deeply and you keep discovering new ways to learn and grow together, and instead of feeling ambivalent, you just feel lucky.

I would LOVE for you to enjoy rewarding relationship in your life — lots of them, in fact, if we can include friendships too. This is an achievable goal. These are real connections and real experiences you can have, if you’re willing to get past your resistance and stop worrying about possible negative reactions from people.

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